Latest jokes

by dacha27 Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:20 pm

December 09 2010

Q. Why shouldn't you disrespect Nicki Minaj?
A. She'll make another song about it. No one wants that.

Did you break wind cause you're blowing me away?

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

A
farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few
minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a
pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still
wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your
truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops
wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker
says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I
did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a
bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind
of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I
can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

A
magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week,
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's
not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table,"
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The
magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a
piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the
parrot.
They
stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady
received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was
writing to say thank you.
Dear Lions Bay School,

God
bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens
luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the
Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to
thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My
roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never
let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and
understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,

Edna

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

A
woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play
for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to
consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells
her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50
yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the
woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad,
your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When
she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the
club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the
feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball
goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The
golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you
would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going
to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks
again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again,
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just
once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As
soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling
them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but
not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"